A loss of self (open)

[hrsegrl]

The news of Aliath's death and of Gaelle's was hard for everyone. A bright soul had just flickered in the wind until all was dark. How was it that the Weyrwomen here had such a hard time living normal lives? Had it been like this forever? Caselo did not even want to deal with the idea that those people had won. He had gone to find Havalie a sevenday later and found there were no Weyrlings at the Barracks. Nor were they anywhere to be found. What were they up to? Were they even alive?

Questions burning inside of him vanished as one thought took over all the rest. He had failed. His whole life had been directed toward one thing and now it was out of reach. He was never going to impress a dragon. Nisurath would not be mature in time and Aliath was dead. His whole life began to slip away from him. Instead of looking for comfort he began to wander. In wandering he ended up in the one place he felt like being. The place where he was supposed to have started the glorious life of a dragonrider.

Although those thoughts plagued him he felt suddenly hollow inside. His dream was crushed. The Weyr was no longer safe enough for the Weyrlings or they would be here. What was going to become of the Weyr if people could kidnap and kill Goldriders? Nisurath must have been sent somewhere for her own safety and the others with her. That was the only explanaition, though that would not help his own predicament. Self pity was a horrible trait in a person and normally he would have beat himself up over letting these thoughts get to him. Tonight though he felt he had lost his own self. Who exactly was he anyway? Caselo stared out onto the abandoned sands and felt himself walking towards the center. Once there he hit his knees, balled his fists and let out a cry of utter frustration.

[starshine]

A'rik had been bored, what with an interlude in Candidate lessons. With no living adult queen and the Weyr's only hope lying with the young Nisurath. Training with the wing, was felt good, didn't satisfy his want to teach. There was a part of him left wanting. He huffed as he passed the entrance to the Grounds. Peering into the vast cavern he sighed. The sands were warm through his boots as he crossed into the room. It was primarily deserted, with only the occasional fire-lizard whizzing through the open air. He half grinned at them.

I am dirty, and I would like to bath.[/color] The brown dragons thoughts tingled in his mind. Alright Pan meet me at the lake then and we'll see what we can do. He turned to make his way back out the sands, feeling jipped of his few moments of solitude. Scanning the area around his his green eyes caught sight of another on the sand. A candidate from his last round of lessons. He thought for a moment, the boys name... what was it... Caselan, Caselis, Caselo.... "Caselo?" The brownriders rough voice broke through the quiet silence of the air. He waited.

[hrsegrl]

There were others at the Weyr feeling loss, he was sure but at the moment he could not feel their pain above his own breaking heart. He loved the idea of being a dragonrider. Would he become someone he did not like now? Caselo was not sure that he could be the same again. His usual upbeat casual demeanor was all but gone at the moment anyway. What if it never returned?

In the silence he heard soft footfalls of another person but he paid that no heed. People came here for various reasons and lately the Hatching Caverns probably saw more people than it was used to. The other person's voice was not that of a common drudge or even another Candidate. It was the Candidate Master who spoke and he had no choice but to respond to the man.

"Oh, hello, Candidate Master A'rik. I trust Pantoth is well." Caselo spoke in as upbeat a tone as he could manage which was only just bordering on not depressing. The young man stood up slowly and wiped the sand off of his knees, turning to face the dragonrider. A'rik was not much older than himself and he had position and a dragon. He was one of the lucky ones. Caselo would give anything to have their positions be switched in that moment.

[starshine]

The candidate master looked the boy, almost man, over.

The boy seems depressed, or saddened.[/color] The dragon who had snuck a peak through his riders eyes, commented at what he saw. Yes, that he does.

A'rik took a step closed to the lad, "Pantoth does exceptionally, adjusting back into rigorous drill routines." The rider grinned and relaxed once he saw the boys face. "What puts you on the Hatching Grounds? Scanning for firelizard eggs?" He knew Caselo would probubly not be foolish enough for that after all he was no meer weyrbrat, but he didn't want to come out and ask what was on the boys mind.

[hrsegrl]

Good, good. He thought to himself at the brownrider's responses. Pantoth was a sturdy brown and Caselo had no doubt that the dragon was well matched in his rider. A'rik was a very capable young man who often acted much more mature than he could possibly be. He knew this mostly from Candidate lessons... well those he had taken the time to attend.

"I had not given much thought to where I was going till I was practically here." He shrugged and looked around the cavern. It was the perfect setting to mourn his loss. The reason did come to him after arriving and it was not simply because he was sad. "This is where men become dragonriders for the first time. In a way that makes this particular place most ideal. Since there is no chance of my impressing now. Not with Aliath dead and Nisurath too young."

Caselo would not have known of the plan to save the Weyr that Weyrleader E'dian had implemented. He only knew what was obvious and that was the Weyrlings were gone along with the last surviving Queen of Ponaa Weyr. "I never thought this day would actually come and now that its here..." He trailed off because he could not keep his voice steady. Shaking his head he turned away from A'rik.

"What do you do when your dreams don't come true?"

[starshine]

A'rik who had been merrily scanning the sands, listened intently to the young man. Young man, the boy wasn't more then three or four turns younger then himself.

"...Since there is no chance of my impressing now. Not with Aliath dead and Nisurath too young." His ears perked at the sudden depth of the boys thoughts. Yes, this was the grounds on which dragonmen were formed, and those boys left behind from the hatching, well they fell into lives either serving the Weyr, apprenticing in a craft. He looked over at Caselo, he had had so much promise, it was almost a shame to know that he may not impress. Even worse was knowing that he had more of a chance then the boy thought.

..."What do you do when your dreams don't come true?" His eyes slid down to the boys feet. "I guess you can do the only thing available to you. Take it one day at a time, and find something you feel is worth you're time and energy." His kind-hearted face lifted to meet the boys.

[hrsegrl]

There was wisdom in what A'rik said of course. Caselo knew as much. Most of the time he would be saying it to himself without needing to hear it from anyone else. Even when he was left standing Hatching after Hatching. This was more final and much more egregious. He was nodding in agreement knowing that things were how they were supposed to be. Maybe he was meant for something else. The thought felt dead in his mind even as he thought it. Why bother trying to do anything else when one's heart would never be in it?

He sighed and looked back at the man talking with him. “I never really prepared myself for this day.” He never believed it would come. How could he doubt his own worth? Caselo knew he would be a great dragonrider but apparently the dragons were not in agreement. It would be nice if the gold dragons stopped dying and disappearing. Then maybe some others could still have that chance. Maybe he could save up for a firelizard sometime. They were rare and he would have to go against many of the more elite folk here to get one. Not that a firelizard would ever compare to a dragon.

As if anything could. Caselo stopped himself from going down that mental path again. “I suppose I should offer myself as an assistant to the beastcrafters. They always want my help.” The words were being said but it was as if someone else was saying them. He, who was always good natured and friendly, felt just the opposite of that now. Caselo realized he needed to talk to someone closer to him. Maybe his foster parents. They loved him and would understand his pain better than anyone. A dragonrider would not know how it felt to be left standing on sand for the last time.

“A'rik, thank you for your advice. I think I better go and get some rest. Heres hoping tomorrow is a better day.” He tried to flash one of his charming smiles but it only came out as a half smile. When his heart was not in something it was easy to see. Tomorrow was not going to be much better for Caselo. This was not something a young man got over quickly.

[starshine]

A'rik was glad he had made some sort of impact on the boy. While not impressing was a shame, it was certainly not something to give up hope over. It pained the candidate master to know that the boy wouldn't be in this state, that there could be a possibility of him making an impression. He had one more shot. "You know, I wouldn't give up quite yet, I still fully expect you to be in lessons." He shot the boy a passing grin before turning to the mouth of the great have that housed the sands.

He needed to make his way to the Black Lake. Pantoth would not be pleased if he was kept waiting. Too often did A'rik put others before the needs of his dragons. I am by no means neglected but could you please hurry, I have an itch.[/color] The brownrider mentally caressed his dragon. I will be there shortly. He slowly made his way out of the cave and into the mid-day sun.